VaYishlach

Bereishit 32:4-36:43

The Nature of Reconciliation: Yaakov's Caution

Rabbi Josh Cahan, 5764

Yaakov has been away for a long time. When he first left, we read that his mother suggested only a short trip. He was leaving to escape his twin brother's desire for vengeance after the deceitful theft of Yitzhak's primary blessing. In 27:42-45, Rivka warns her son that the rough and powerful Esav is plotting to kill Yaakov and that he should remain abroad "יָמִים אֲחָדִים" -- "a few days", until the anger cools. But as we lingered with Yaakov in Haran, as he gathered wives and possessions, a short time turned into 20 years. Finally, at God's command, he sets out for his homeland, prepared to confront his brother and his family. Esav, not the one to be caught unprepared, is on his way to meet him, a whole entourage of soldiers accompanying him. We know that the reunion turns out joyous rather than bloody, but it is not clear how. Had Esav already long since moved on from his anger and it is only Yaakov's paranoia that we hear in the beginning of our parasha, as he sends waves of livestock as bribes of appeasement? Or, was Esav actually planning to slaughter Yaakov's family, changing his mind only when he saw him and realized that the powerful emotional bond of family was deeper than the need for revenge? It is hard to know.

I want to turn for a moment to what comes next in the story. Esav accepts the gifts and declares his readiness to live together, to re-establish family bonds by taking Yaakov in at his home in Se'ir. He presses Yaakov to travel with him or at least to accept an escort from among Esav's men, but Yaakov declines. We need not wait long to find out why - Yaakov has no plans to settle at Se'ir, but rather finds his own place, called Sukkot, and establishes himself there. Has the deceitfulness that Yaakov learned from his mother and perfected in his struggles with Lavan just gotten the best of him? Why should he fight against this offer? And why, if he feels that joining Esav would not be the best thing, can't he tell him so in a straightforward manner?

I would like to suggest that this comes to tell us something about the nature of forgiveness and reconciliation. The scenes of Yaakov wrestling with the angel and of Esav breaking down in tears show that this moment of reconciliation was filled with deep emotions for both of the estranged brothers. Each one clearly felt pain and a sense of incompleteness in himself while this distance existed, so both were anxious to re-establish this relationship. But a moment of joyous embrace does not wipe out the memory of the decades that have passed. An embrace does not signify the rejection of anger but the willingness to establish a relationship despite that anger. It may yet take many years for them to develop the kind of trust that we might hope for between brothers, if they were ever to do so. This moment certainly has not wiped out Yaakov's innate distrust of Esav's motives or his concern about his fate when left at his brother's mercy. For now, reconciliation for Yaakov, the powerless one, demands retaining distance. The only way he can achieve that in the face of his more powerful brother's objections is through deceit.

Even so, we read in 33:18 that Yaakov arrived "שָׁלֵם" in Shekhem. Shalem - whole, renewed, reconciled to a part of himself from which he had become distanced during 20 years away from home. Even this small step toward healing the wounds of estrangement has given him much strength.

Rebuilding love, trust, and friendship with those from whom we have been estranged can be a difficult and troublesome affair. It certainly is rarely clean and perfect. We have to hope that the energy we invest in reaching out to those people in our lives will give us a greater sense of peace and be a step toward the kind of wholeness that Yaakov discovered.

I thank my friend Julie Roth for the core idea of this devar torah.